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This Is Perimenopause
Menopause isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning. Hosts Michelle and Mikelle are on a mission to help others be better informed than they were when they started their perimenopause journeys. The podcast is a blend of health, education, mindset, and personal growth. Michelle and Mikelle along with their guests are sharing real-life stories and expert advice to help you navigate perimenopause, menopause and beyond.
This Is Perimenopause
Shame Dies When Stories Are Told: Understanding Intimate Partner Violence with Stefanie Peachey
In this episode, Stefanie Peachey delves into the complexities of intimate partner violence, highlighting how abuse can be psychological, emotional, and financial; not just physical. She shares the challenges that victims face in recognizing abusive relationships and the dangerous realities of leaving.
Stefanie also addresses misconceptions around intimate partner violence, the isolation many victims experience, and the importance of support services for both survivors and perpetrators. Sharing her personal story, she offers insight into the emotional toll of IPV and the importance of safety planning for those at risk.
In this episode:
- Definitions and examples of intimate partner violence, including financial abuse
- The challenges of leaving an abusive relationship
- The misconceptions about intimate partner violence
- Stefanie’s personal experience with intimate partner violence
- How to get help
Episode Links
Email Stefanie at stefanie@peacheyconselling.ca
Peachey Counselling Intimate Partner Violence Resources
Canadian Family Violence Resources and Services By Area
Resources (by province) for Women Experiencing Domestic Violence
Peachey Counselling
Peachey Counselling on Instagram
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The dynamics are very challenging to sort through to figure out exactly what's going on in this relationship to then label it as abusive. It is a very complicated, layered experience that I think people who have not experienced it think that it's something that if you don't like it, leave. It's that simple. Don't be a part of a relationship that's not healthy. Don't be a part of a relationship where somebody's hurtful to you. But it's so much more complicated than that, especially, again, as I mentioned, with that risk of when you're leaving.
Speaker 3:Welcome to. This is Perimenopause, the podcast where we delve into the transformative journey of perimenopause and beyond. I'm one of your hosts.
Speaker 2:Michelle, and I'm your other host, Michelle and we know firsthand how confusing, overwhelming and downright lonely this phase of life can be.
Speaker 3:Join us as we share real-life stories and expert advice to help you navigate this journey and advocate for your best health.
Speaker 2:Trigger warning. This episode contains information and a personal experience about intimate partner violence. In our second podcast with Stephanie Peachy, stephanie and Mikkel delve into the specialized services offered at Peachy Counseling specifically intimate partner violence. Our hope is to help increase awareness for this all too common issue and contribute to breaking down the shame and judgment associated with abuse that keeps many women from seeking help. This is a heavy conversation where we explore what intimate partner violence is, how it happens and why it is so often hard to leave. Stephanie also shares her personal experience with intimate partner violence. If you are able to listen, please take care and, for anyone struggling, please take advantage of Stephanie's generous offer at the end of the episode and reach out to her directly. Her email is in the show notes. There is help and that help is offered without judgment or shame.
Speaker 3:Welcome back, Stephanie. So great to see you again great thanks for having me again uh, keen to dig a little deeper, dive a little deeper into your practice today. Um, maybe you could start by describing. We talked in the last episode about your therapeutic practice. Today we're talking about your some, about one of your specialized services. Maybe you could explain what that is.
Speaker 1:Sure. So here at the practice we offer mental health for a variety of issues, but one of the areas that we specialize in is intimate partner and family violence creating a safe space that those who have experienced it as survivors of children who have been witness to it, and even of those who have perpetrated violence, are welcome in our practice to sort through the complexity of this issue that really requires therapeutic support.
Speaker 3:What is intimate partner and family violence? Could you define it or give us some examples?
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I think a lot of people still have the image that intimate partner violence is physical, is somebody being hurt, physically, hit, punched? We have that image of the woman with the black eye, but it's far greater than that. So we are talking to women and men, for that matter, about some of even the smaller pieces that are not always identified as intimate partner violence. So that definition really includes emotional and psychological violence. Name calling, put downs, stalking has now gotten much more attention, which it needs to have. Isolation is a big piece those power and control dynamics that can happen in a relationship. Physical violence, of course, sexual violence, financial abuse. There's a very wide array of how those experiencing this have experienced it and often not always the same as others. There can be combinations of these pieces that often escalate over time.
Speaker 3:You mentioned financial abuse. Can you describe that?
Speaker 1:a little more. Yeah, so financial abuse is again about power and control dynamics. So, depending on how a family's finances are arranged, there may be one person who's in control of the money that the other maybe doesn't have access to money as needed, has no awareness of the financial resources of the family and is really kept out of that loop. And finances, of course, are so important. I mean, we know in today's society everything is costing more, and so it is a tool that can be used to control somebody, of allowing access to money if certain behaviors are performed, if somebody acts in a certain way or does not Again denying finances for essential things like food or clothing or gas to drive your car, to work. There's a lot of control that can happen around finances. That impacts a lot of people.
Speaker 3:Wow, yeah, I bet there's a lot of little ding ding dings going off with some of our listeners, so I want to loop back to that. But maybe before we go further, do you?
Speaker 1:have any statistics? Yeah, so in Canada specifically, there's been many communities that have declared intimate partner violence to be an epidemic, and that's been in the last like six months that it's really being tuned into. The province has yet to declare it as an epidemic provincially, but many regional communities have since declared that and the government does have some funding that's going into improving programs. You know, statistically speaking, the last Stats Canada information that's out is from 2019. And there was 107,810 people aged 15 or over who reported having experienced partner violence and 79% of those were women.
Speaker 1:We know, statistically, women are at far greater risk of intimate partner violence than are men, but that's not to say that it doesn't happen for men, but it still very much is under the umbrella of violence against women, because there's a lot of different factors, of course, that work into that. Again, statistically speaking, younger women are more likely to experience violence, whether it be, again, physical control pieces, sexual violence, but there's still, certainly, as women get older, a lot of violence that's happening that my belief, strongly, is that this is underreported. So this is StatsCan who's saying we've had these women disclose this. But one of the most challenging pieces of intimate partner violence is that it happens very secretively and not a lot of women report. So any statistics that I see, I would say we have to absolutely increase those to get a real picture of probably what is happening privately in homes I would suspect that it's very scary to report or to talk to anybody about what might be going on secretly in your home or in a relationship.
Speaker 3:So how would you advise someone who is in a situation that they've determined is not okay, but they're afraid? How do you? How do you go about getting help?
Speaker 1:I think that's a really challenging piece and I would say, even before I'm going to say women for the purpose of this conversation, because again, we know, statistically, male to female violence is the greatest concern. With that said, it certainly is something that happens in the LGBTQ2S plus community. A lot more research and focus needs to be happening there and it can happen from men to women. But again, for the purpose of the conversation, I'll speak of women as the survivors. One of the most challenging pieces for so many women, I think, is first getting to a place of recognizing that this is an abusive relationship because, again, it's not. You know, I'm, I was punched and therefore it's abuse. A lot of these behaviors happen over time and feel very much in the control of the woman to stop it from happening. If I just do better, if I behave better, if I manage myself in a way that he's then not becoming angry with me, that it happens very slowly. I say to women often because they feel very, they feel silly and I hate using that word, but I've had so many women say why didn't I see it? And it is very challenging to see it when it's not always bad. That's such a key piece that we think abusive relationships must be awful all the time, but there's really good parts of these relationships and a lot of apologies generally that happen, that women stay in these relationships. So that first piece of getting to a point of viewing it as abusive, is very challenging to get to Now.
Speaker 1:With that said, once women get to that place, leaving is incredibly scary. We know again, statistically, women are at a much higher rate of significant abuse or even death at the time of leaving a relationship because the power and the control is gone at that point. And so it's very important that women are mindful of safety, that they have a support system in place, that they work with somebody on a safety plan and, depending on the situation, either go to a shelter, perhaps live with a friend or a family member that can help to provide some of those safety pieces. And then, of course, there's a lot of other pieces along the way that come with if you have children or if you're married and some of the complicating factors of then figuring out the parenting time, the legal aspects, the financial aspects. But it's so, it's complicated. There's not one easy answer to how to get out, but I think one of the very first things that women can do is start to talk about it and to talk about their experience.
Speaker 3:Right, right. And if you can find in your area a service like yours, that's probably a really great place to start.
Speaker 1:And some people pay out of pocket. But in most communities there is access to free counselling under the Violence Against Women program where community organisations have that funding to be able to offer that. So that's absolutely an option and a lot of shelters have sort of out in the community programs that you don't necessarily have to be a resident but you're able to access some of that support.
Speaker 3:And, to your point, scary, but also overwhelming. Like how would I even go about? Right, I'm going to use the. I don't know if this is appropriate or not, but disentangling from this person.
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3:And there's all these, especially if you're married or there are children or so. Having someone with knowledge and expertise to help you take it one step at a time, I suspect, would be incredibly powerful.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I think that's so critical about the services that we offer through therapy is, I'm, quite honestly, particular about making sure that our therapists have a thorough understanding and never perpetuate any of the stereotypes or myths around. Well, you should just leave right and really understanding. There's a lot of complicating factors, that it's not a just leave, and I think there's this mental balance that so many people go through of. Is it bad enough that I have to go through all of this stress and all of this worry and all of these pieces, or is there still hope for change or being able to manage what this relationship has been? Leaving is very challenging but, with that said, I have never met a woman who has left and then said, oh, I wish I hadn't have done that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, that's a powerful statement. You touched on the. I think it's one of the misconceptions why don't they just leave? So maybe we could delve into that a little bit, what the common misconceptions are about these difficult events or issues that can happen in someone's life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think one of the greatest misconceptions is viewing these relationships as very black and white. So it's either as simple, as you know, this partner is abusive or they're not. And again it speaks to the complexity of the situation where it has slowly creeped in over time. A situation where it has slowly creeped in over time where I think women feel like they've made a choice in their life to a degree, without recognizing oftentimes there's a manipulation, there is pressure to behave or be a certain way, and this is before there's ever been a push or a hit or anything that we again assign to being a violent relationship. So there's, the dynamics are very challenging to sort through, to figure out exactly what's going on in this relationship, to then label it as abusive. It is a very complicated, layered experience that I think. Again, people who have not experienced it think that it's something that if you don't like it, leave right. It's that simple. Don't be a part of a relationship that's not healthy. Don't be a part of a relationship where somebody's hurtful to you. But it's so much more complicated than that, especially again, as I mentioned, with that risk of when you're leaving.
Speaker 1:I think also the simplicity with which people consider a separation especially. You know many families I work with. There are children, there's a marriage, there's a home I'm sure many of your listeners are in that age group that there's, again, there's children, there's a life built, there's a routine, and so there's a lot of guilt for women around breaking up the family and a lot of the work we do is recognizing that piece of you are making a healthy choice. You are not breaking up the family. It's these, this person's, choices and actions that have led to a place of needing to create some safety. So, again, that that thinking, I think for a lot of the general public of it's easy to leave, pack a bag, go live somewhere else, you know.
Speaker 1:I think for a lot of the general public of it's easy to leave, pack a bag, go live somewhere else, you know, go buy another house these are not realistic pieces. So, again, the ease with which people are able to get out of these relationships really need to be challenged and I think those taking it seriously I think there's been a lot of women who will speak out and maybe get a little bit of pushback of it can't be that bad right. Or maybe you just need to do things differently, maybe you need to go to counseling, and I think a lot of people feel like if it was that bad, I would see it, right, I would. I would be able to tell that you are being abused.
Speaker 1:And there's a protective factor that comes in of those third party observers that want to say I haven't seen it, I need to protect myself as a good friend or family member. So I'm going to try to minimize this, because if it were that bad, I would have seen it. And then what does it mean if it actually is that bad and I've not done anything to help? So there's again, even in speaking out is sharing your truth can be very, very scary, because people make the assumption that you can see abuse on somebody and that's simply not always the case.
Speaker 3:I wonder too, as you were talking, I was thinking about our last conversation, when we talked about naming the asshole in your head and how you need to, from a mental health perspective, address how you are talking to yourself and treating yourself, and I would suspect for a lot of women who are finding themselves in an abusive situation, it's very easy for them to default oh well, but I am so this and I am so that, and someone who's experiencing perimenopausal symptoms that are significant, right, I can't even imagine the self blame that would probably be created in that kind of environment. So I think there's, for whatever reason, am I correct in that that women are also gas, almost gaslighting themselves? Is that, is that a fair? Absolutely?
Speaker 1:I think that with with psychological and emotional abuse, the messaging, often from a partner who was once a wonderful part of their lives or still has moments of being, you know, really kind, caring partners. But when they're giving these messages of you know you're crazy. Nobody else would ever put up with this. You're just such a miserable person. If you didn't do this then I would be happier and wouldn't get angry. If you had just done this, I wouldn't have then had to, you know, get in your face or I wouldn't call you these things.
Speaker 1:And for somebody in a healthy relationship, they might look at this and say you would never tolerate that, right, I would never tolerate somebody telling me I'm worthless. But when you're already feeling, you know, not like yourself or you know this, these dynamics have slowly crept in you do start to question yourself, to say, you know what, maybe I am causing this, maybe I am the problem here. Maybe I am the problem here. He could be a lot nicer or kinder or helpful if I just, you know, got my stuff together, if I just figured this out. And so it does. I think that women end up in this narrative of really questioning themselves and their intentions and it does start to feel like something that's within their control to create change when it's absolutely not, but that gaslighting again. That happens from your partner but also internally gets very complicated.
Speaker 3:My head is spinning just thinking about how that could play out. You've mentioned it's not always hitting, it's not always a punch, and you've said very clearly that it's often not seen right. You can't see it and I think sometimes people associate abuse with physical, but it doesn't always have to evolve to that or be that, always have to evolve to that or be that. Can you give us some? We talked a little bit about financial abuse. Can you give us some other examples of things that you know people might experience that don't realize they're in an abusive relationship or situation?
Speaker 1:Some of the most common first signs or red flags that start to happen for women is isolation, isolation that comes with guilt and starts to come with some control. So a lot of women get the messaging that they don't need to spend time with friends or family. Why wouldn't you want to spend all of your time with me, right? Why would you go out with them when I'm just going to be sitting home alone? And so it starts as what might sound as a very nice idea of this person just wants all my time and wants to spend Friday night with me and it's okay, I don't need to see my friends, that's, you know what. You're right, I am going to stay in with you. And over time, women say, wow, it's been a long time since I've seen my friends, and getting to a point of feeling like I can't speak up to see my friends because then there might be questions as to why now I'm doing this differently, and so that isolation slowly creeps in. It might be a I don't like that friend, I don't like that family member, I don't want to be around them. And women are then navigating their important relationships but also with wanting to be caring and protective of their partner of okay, we don't need to see them. I want to respect that you feel very uncomfortable or that you've had negative interactions, so thinking maybe I'll make the choice then to not see that person anymore. And again it feels like there's a choice being made.
Speaker 1:But if there starts to be consequences for making choices outside of what your partner wants, that's a very big red flag. Oftentimes, with that, control can be who are you with? Where exactly did you go? Why were you 10 minutes late? You didn't answer my text message.
Speaker 1:And it starts to create this hypervigilance for women of I need to be completely transparent to then avoid either the consequences or the argument how much did you drink, how much did you spend? And I think there's this idea that some of the questions might feel reasonable or justifiable, of it's coming from a place of concern, it's coming from an interest in my life, when in fact they're really about that control and slowly isolating you to the point of saying, well then, maybe, maybe I don't need to go out and then I don't have to answer all of these questions. Right, I will go out, but I will not see that male friends that I'd love to see, because that leads to a lot of questions, so I'm just not going to see them. And again, you know that it's so complicated because it can feel like choices are being made, but your world is just slowly closing in on itself, to the point that suddenly you're only with this partner to avoid many, many questions.
Speaker 3:And I can see in this phase of life, right, it's so busy, right, career, aging parents, kids, symptoms, all of these things going on, and so it's actually, I think, quite natural for a lot of people to then not see their friends as much, you know, when the kids are at home and so, and so you could very easily, I can, I'm, as you're saying this, I'm seeing how easily one could be like, oh well, this is just, we're so busy, I don't have time to see my friends because I'm so busy. It's, it's everybody's like that, right, but I think the devil's in the details and the subtlety of that. Yeah, wow, something that was really top of mind, as you were describing that was is it usually a calculated effort on the part of the perpetrator? Do they realize what they're doing? That I'm really curious about.
Speaker 1:Yes, I think that's such a wonderful question because I think that so often and again I'll use the male female dynamic very often it is men who are the perpetrators of violence. I don't like to believe that men are simply bad. If they've done this, that it's completely their intention. I'm very mindful that the men who have perpetrated violence also require therapy to delve into how did it get to this place and what are the underlying beliefs, whether it be about women, whether it be about men and masculinity, about family life. Where did some of these pieces come from? And I ran. I was a facilitator for our. There's a court mandated program in Ontario called the PAR program and it's a group program for men who have been charged with abusive behaviors and I was a facilitator in there.
Speaker 1:And I will tell you, there are a handful of men that I do believe just hate women and want control.
Speaker 1:But I think there are also a lot of men in there that don't fully understand how they got to this place of treating a partner that poorly and need more in-depth therapeutic support to look at this, because there's so many commonalities among these men who have perpetrated violence, in whatever capacity it's been, that I.
Speaker 1:I don't believe that they're all this calculated and manipulative intentionally. I think that there is a need being fulfilled by doing these pieces that again need that therapeutic support, and it's not to say it's justifiable in any way, but I do think that it's important to say it's justifiable in any way. But I do think that it's important to look at these men from a perspective of you're not simply bad or a monster. What is it that's happening here that needs some adjustment and work to then protect your future partners and that's something that I'm very passionate about is making sure that men have safe spaces to explore some of these things, without simply shaming them or putting them in a position of you're now the bad guy, because that doesn't help anybody for men who are perpetrators to come in and work through why it is that they need this power and control in their romantic relationship.
Speaker 3:You mentioned commonalities. Are you able to share any of those?
Speaker 1:So many, many, many of the women that I've worked with have all said to me. The women that I've worked with have all said to me if you met him, he's very smooth talking, he's very charming, he presents incredibly well. Nobody has ever seen it. It happens all behind closed doors and along with that is the progression of violence. That's happened where a lot of the initial pieces have been again isolation, questioning, comments maybe on what you're wearing or how you do your hair, where are you going, might then lead into name calling. A lot of comments about you're worthless, nobody will ever want you, starts to come to physical pieces, perhaps some sexual violence, and this slow progression is very, very, very common. But also that it's done very secretively behind closed doors and this very different persona is put out in day-to-day life.
Speaker 1:And you know I think it's worth making the point is intimate partner violence is not anger management. We really separate those ideas because anger happens with everybody in your life. You are not able to have that emotional regulation around your anger. Intimate partner violence has to do with your partner only generally. So they have great relationships with a lot of other people. People would describe them again, as you know, very charismatic. Everybody likes them and so there is a very, very big difference there. But also again leads to that complicating factor of is anyone going to believe me If I said behind closed doors I'm being called names and being told all these things when everybody loves this person? Who's going to believe me if I speak out about this? So those are some commonalities that I hear among many, many women who come into the Wow.
Speaker 3:That must be terrifying for someone in that situation. Stephanie, I know you have a personal story and, if you're comfortable sharing it, I think it would be really reassuring, particularly for those listeners out there who might be thinking, hey, this is sounding a little too close to home.
Speaker 1:I do, between the ages of 18 and 23,. I was in a very abusive relationship and I do share it now, and I've just more recently started sharing it, because there's a saying that I really like is that shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces. There's a saying that I really like is that shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces, and I think that well, as a therapist, my role is to support my clients, so it's therapy sessions are never about me. I can appreciate the complexities of these relationships in a very personal way and I often reflect on my own experiences of this relationship. And so it was, you know, a very formative time in my life where this was my first serious relationship and, very similarly to how I described, I experienced this slow, isolating that happens. That, I felt, was very much a choice that I was making. We went off to university and that, of course, isolated me even more. I made absolutely no friends in my undergrad. One friend I made when I went to spend time with her. He came along with me Every time I met with girlfriends that I really tried to still carve out time for. The messaging was if you're not doing anything wrong, then why can't I come along. I remember thinking, well, I suppose there's some logic to that. Looking back now, I think how ridiculous, no, you do not get to come and have coffee with me and my girlfriends. But at the time it felt logical and it felt like an opportunity to demonstrate that I'm in fact not doing anything wrong. Lots of accusations of cheating which happened, which I never had another relationship, but it became easier to simply be with him all the time, because then I'm proving my loyalty, and so there were so many pieces that were happening, and one of the key things for me was I worked my ass off to hide this from anybody. I wanted him to be liked as soon as. If people noticed, then I had to do something about it. Then I either had to leave, I had to make a choice, and I was so young that this was one of my. This was really my first serious relationship where I thought you know what? I'm strong enough to make this work.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of my friends would describe me as a strong person, and it was interesting how that identity sort of impacted me negatively through this, because I thought it can be that bad. Because I'm a strong person, I wouldn't put up with this. I'm a strong person and it felt like I could still manage it and control it and in retrospect it was completely out of my control. I had no control in anything and it slowly became physical over time.
Speaker 1:There's many pieces that I don't recall in terms of incidents that happened because I, I think in those moments I went into a bit of fight or flight, and sometimes it was fight, which then became complicated because I would think to myself well, when he pushed me or punched me, I did push him back. So therefore it's mutual abuse, right, which I have that language for. Now. That again gets complicated because, well, if I pushed him back, then aren't I just as bad? But it was understanding the overarching dynamics that were contributing to this. And not to say it was okay that I pushed him back, necessarily, but that get more complicated because then were we fighting or was I in an abusive relationship, and it again was very, very complicated and it took a long time to get to a point of knowing that I needed to be out of this relationship. But it took a good five years to say you know, one incident at the end happened where you know and some of your listeners, if you're, if this is an experience that is relatable, you'll probably relate to this is. I remember thinking I hope one night he hurts me bad enough that I feel justified in leaving, because it had to be bad enough to say, yes, in fact, I need to leave. And lo and behold, that night came and I was quite hurt, um, and it was enough for me to say yes, I've got enough, that this relationship is done and I'm out of here.
Speaker 1:And, being that age, you know, again I would never want somebody to feel like they had to get to that point. But everything I did or choices I made felt like I really had to have enough to justify them. I remember thinking like even you can't be surprised that I'm leaving after you've punched me X number of times. Yeah, and it always felt like at that age, who's going to take me seriously? You know, is this going to be chalked up to teenage, young adult drama?
Speaker 1:I remember thinking times that I'd be physically abused and I'd be in such a panic and I would want to call for help. But I remember thinking this isn't a police matter. You call 911 for emergencies. This isn't an emergency. This is something that I need to figure out, assuming that I'm just going to get a lecture about, you know, whether it be drinking too much or having teenage, you know arguments being silly that I just had to deal with this on my own. And in looking back at this experience, there's so many things. Of course I wish I'd done differently, but it's been very beneficial to my work and my curiosity and exploring this area further and to be able to understand and support my clients in a bit of a different way.
Speaker 3:I'm going to ask this and you don't have to answer it. Don't have to answer it. If you came into your office today in that scenario let's say year three of that scenario what would you tell your younger self?
Speaker 1:I've thought about this and it's funny, as you say, that I get chills because I've really started to look at that version of me as a different version and I just feel so sad for her. I think what I would want to really do with her is to build that strength and understanding about what a respectful relationship is and allow her to start to evaluate from a more critical standpoint. To add some psychoeducation. I think is so critical to women and every woman I've worked with I've introduced the idea of is it bad? All the time? And when they say no, it's not, we really delve into. Is that what keeps you there? Is that hope of change?
Speaker 1:And in seeing your partner has the ability to be kind and caring and apologetic partner has the ability to be kind and caring and apologetic. My partner would promise change. We would go out for dinner the next day. He was so sorry he's going to get help. He cannot believe he did that and I would say, okay, there's insight here. You're right, that wasn't appropriate.
Speaker 1:Now it's for me to support him on this journey of getting support, but my younger self would really need to know the complicating pieces of these relationships that she absolutely deserved better and to make choices that suited her needs and her wants and to understand that, although there are moments of good, that doesn't outweigh the way you're being treated and I would be very delicate with her, as I am with all my clients of I am never in a position to tell you what to do and if you choose to not leave this relationship for the next six months, there is no judgment from me. I think a lot of women feel like, well, now that we've identified, I guess you're going to make me leave. Right, that is not my decision to make, but we need to consistently work on it and build that understanding of what this relationship is and what do you deserve and, at the end of the day, that is absolute respect for you as an individual and being able to make choices that suit you best.
Speaker 3:Amazing. So what advice would you have for our listeners who can't call you up or come in book a meeting with you or one of your team?
Speaker 1:What's the first step? Look at your community resources. There are many websites that have information available in terms of you know what are the community services, what are the shelters in place, when could you access support in a moment of crisis if you needed it. There are many publicly funded programs available which are excellent, and most of them, if you go onto the websites, there is a quick escape button that you can click in case you feel like you know you don't want somebody to be able to see what you're doing. Being mindful of safety is critical. So you know, if you need to do a deep dive on this, maybe you're doing it, you know, at work or in a library, whatever the case is, to keep yourself safe, Talk to a trusted friend or family member and let them know that you need support. Reaching out for support and having somebody who you can trust, who can be a part of your safety plan, can be critical. So I will say to women sometimes, if you feel like you're at risk of whether it be stalking, questioning, physical violence, significant harm have that friend that you can call to say I'm leaving work now. I'm going to text you when I'm home Should be about 20 minutes so that they know if something happened, they need to do something.
Speaker 1:I know that the interactions with police officers are not positive across the board and that's incredibly unfortunate. But you know, in linking it to what I would tell my younger self is, if you are being hurt and you are scared and you are not able to leave a situation, you call for help. If there's questions, that'll be what it'll be, but having somebody there to intervene if you don't have anyone else there to support you is critical. Call for help because if you feel fearful or at risk of harm, you deserve to make that phone call, and that really sticks with me of how differently my path would have been if I had made that phone call.
Speaker 1:But reaching out for support in a way that suits you, I think, is really critical. So many of these relationships are about the loss of power as an individual, and so the last thing that we ever want to do is tell a woman what they have to do or what they should do. So starting to explore services that might be the right fit, exploring, you know, if it's housing options, talking to friends and family about what support you need and what you require, but allowing yourself to start to make these choices again for you is, I think, a really, really important piece here to start to recognize that you have some choice it just doesn't look the same for everybody or recognize that you have some choice.
Speaker 3:It just doesn't look the same for everybody. I think that's so important, not just about this, but anything in life. We tend to think we need to make choices that everybody else is making because of age and stage, relationship situation, abuse, and no, you really have to take stock and figure out what works for you. Um, before we get to wrapping up, you've mentioned stalking a couple of times and I have a question because in my mind, stalking is something a stranger does to somebody else, but I'm getting the sense that maybe that's not the case. Could Could you explain what stalking is?
Speaker 1:Yes, stalking is starting to get more attention and the like, the definition around some intimate partner violence is also to include, you know, not only a current partner but a former partner. And so stalking, I think, really speaks to the challenges. You know. It's a challenge that may be more prevalent after a relationship ends. So we have again this thinking, or this stereotype of once you're out of the relationship, all is well, everyone moves on. But for those that really struggle with that power and control, that stalking behavior is very common among ex-partners Could certainly also happen in a relationship, but is, you know, essentially being followed, being approached in different circumstances? Somebody may be hanging out around your work, driving past your house. These are all very intimidating behaviors that can cause great concern and it's beyond just, oh, ignore them, they'll move on, they'll get over it. But it is a very serious concern that has to be paid attention to because it's it's not uncommon in these relationships and can be very scary for people.
Speaker 3:No kidding, and when I mean strangers, I always thought it was, you know, famous people like Taylor Swift or and I shouldn't laugh, that's also very serious, but I hadn't connected the ex-boyfriend Right. That must be so scary in any situation.
Speaker 1:Yes, and we think about for celebrities, and I agree with you, it's completely inappropriate and terrifying and my thinking is that these are people who also have the financial resources that they may have a bodyguard, they have cameras, they have all of these pieces and we usually end up hearing that it's somebody with significant mental health issues that needs support because they've created a narrative about you know they have a relationship with the celebrity or whatever the case is. And so stalking with an intimate partner relationship, we're really looking at it on such a deeper personal level where somebody perhaps knows your routine, they know stores that you frequent, they know where your friends are, they know you know the restaurants or, if you're, you know in your clubbing years where you're going, and so that it can cause a great hypervigilance for women. That is so disruptive to your nervous system because you can constantly be on edge of am I safe, are they here? You're constantly looking around, you're constantly in fight or flight and we had spoken in the previous episode around that mind-body connection.
Speaker 1:But stalking is a very, very challenging situation to deal with because it can completely hijack your well, your amygdala is your fear center in your brain, without getting too biological. But if you're constantly in fight or flight, your brain is activated in a different way, in a very primal way, that you're constantly on the lookout and fearful of something happening, and so it can be incredibly stressful and anxiety provoking. And this is another piece, absolutely that I encourage women if there is stalking behavior, you have to contact the police, because that's the only way, ultimately, that it can be stopped is with some legal intervention. Ultimately, that it can be stopped is with some legal intervention, but certainly a lot of perpetrators still do ignore any orders. But you have something and police can be involved to hopefully help to to eliminate or minimize the behavior.
Speaker 3:Yeah, wow, stephanie. This is a big, broad, scary topic, and thank you for coming on today and enlightening us and giving our listeners this information, because I suspect that there are a lot of people out there who are in not great situations and either don't realize it or don't really know what to do. What is the one thing you'd want every woman to know about intimate partner violence?
Speaker 1:I sincerely hope that those listening, if you're recognizing yourself in this, that you're able to feel not alone. The biggest message that I have for women is it's not your fault. Again, so many complicating factors in these relationships is that you end up feeling like you have control or you've made decisions that have caused somebody else's behavior, and under no circumstances are you ever responsible for your own abuse. The only thing that you can do is respond to it. Try to keep yourself as safe as possible and please do reach out for support, because you don't have to go through this by yourself.
Speaker 3:For our listeners who aren't in Ontario or can't access you and your team, where do you suggest they start?
Speaker 1:Connect with us through our website. It's a great place to go is peachycounselingca no-transcript conversation, because that first email can be very scary, but you're welcome to get in touch with me personally or our practice, and we will support you as best we can, that's wonderful.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much. Thank you for having me, having me amazing. Thanks for being on the show again. This has been fantastic, thank you my pleasure.
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